Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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