I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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