i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
