i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
