I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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