Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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