Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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