exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
