I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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