What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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