There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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