i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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