This house was built for laser tag.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's shark week go big or go home
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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