My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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