Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
