i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
