dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
