Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
