Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
