new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
