If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
