I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
