Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
