I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
