...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
