I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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