i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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