woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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