My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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