U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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