I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
