:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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