I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
