the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
