dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
