I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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