i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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