My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
