She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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