you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
