so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
