i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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