the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
