You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
