Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
