I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
