i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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