I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
