If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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