Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
