Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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