Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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